Meet the Maniacs

The gentle giant who cries at everything. Every PR, every burpee, every compliment from the coach. He's massive and intimidating but he's a big teddy bear.

Terry used to be a monster truck tire before he retired to CrossFit. He thought it would be easier. He was wrong. Now he spends his days being flipped by humans half his size and crying about it.

The narcissistic alpha king of the box. Always overhead to dominate everyone. Wears a crown. People suffer because of him and he loves it.

Brad was forged in the fires of a Chinese steel mill and immediately developed a superiority complex. He believes he's the most important piece of equipment in any gym. He's not entirely wrong.

The psychotic happy one. Always bouncing, always smiling. The more you suffer, the happier he gets. Pure ADHD on steroids.

Wally was rejected from every ball sport for being too aggressive. Basketball said he was 'too intense'. Football said he was 'unhinged'. CrossFit said 'welcome home'.

The evil therapist who smiles while you suffer. Sits with a notepad, taking notes on your pain. Professional gaslighter.

Karl studied psychology at the University of Pain. He has a PhD in Making People Uncomfortable. He swings both ways — Russian and American.

The medieval torture device with impeccable manners. Politely destroys your core and hamstrings while offering pleasant conversation.

Gilly was originally designed for the Spanish Inquisition but was considered 'too cruel'. She found her calling in CrossFit, where people voluntarily submit to her embrace.

The shin collector with a polite smile and nerdy glasses. Keeps tally marks on his side like a sniper counting kills.

Boxy looks innocent. Boxy IS innocent. It's not his fault your coordination is terrible. He just sits there. Quietly. Waiting. With his razor-sharp edges.

The quiet assassin who kills you slowly over 2,000 meters. Looks peaceful. Is a serial killer of cardio dreams.

Ron used to be a peaceful canoe on a lake. Then someone bolted him to the floor of a CrossFit box and attached a chain to his soul. He's been angry ever since.

The Grim Reaper of your AMRAP dreams. Dressed in a tiny black cape with a mini scythe. His screen reads '3... 2... 1...' with skull symbols.

Reaper was a normal Timex watch until he witnessed his first CrossFit Open workout. The horror of what he saw transformed him into the harbinger of athletic doom he is today.